Half of Me

“...Half of me is broken, the other half is longing...”

My father used to say that we always leave a little bit of ourselves wherever we go. This makes me think about the mark we usually leave behind, and whether it changes over time.

About departures and changes, I also believe that we take with us a little bit of each place we go, and each person we meet. But I don't think we should take everything. There are things, people and places that do need to be left behind. Imagine this: when you travel and can only take a carry-on bag, you know that you can't take everything, so you choose what to take. You decide based on your priorities, on functionality. Or, at least, that's how it should be. I remember that sometimes I've caught myself taking items that I swore I would need, but didn't use, so they took up space in my suitcase for nothing, taking up space from other items that could be more useful, or making me carry unnecessary weight. We don't always need to fill all the space, because otherwise there's no room for the new.

I've lived as if I had to fill all the space. As if a moment of idleness were unacceptable. As if I wouldn't produce enough, as much as I should or could, if I stayed still, or if I didn't take advantage of every available minute between one activity and another. I'm all for hard work, but it stressed me out, without me realizing it. And when I realized it, the excess had already taken over me completely.

The verse by Oswaldo Montenegro, quoted at the beginning of today's text, reminds me that there is no departure without renunciation. If we leave behind memories, we probably leave a good mark, and if we feel nostalgia, it is because we were happy “there”. 

Don't confuse nostalgia with remorse – this is a thought I carry with me. We will all lose someone, at some point. Whether it is because the person left the city, the country, or the company, because a relationship ended, or because life has come to an end. I try to give my best, so that in these episodes I can cry, yes, but with longing, not remorse. And by “giving my best” I mean “living each moment”. And living them not as if they were unique – because they all are – but respecting the uniqueness that exists in each one of them. I imagine that crying out of remorse must be much more painful, because it is loaded with guilt, regret, hurt and resentment. The sadness of leaving is enough. I prefer to live! Literally. And you?

Our life is full of cycles. Each choice we make opens doors to the new, but also forces us to close others. However, the fear of giving up what we already know, or of leaving behind something that once did us good, often paralyzes us. We want everything at the same time, but this fear of giving up something (or someone), of letting go, of understanding that it has already fulfilled its mission in our lives, can make us stagnate on a plateau of mediocrity, frustration, apathy, full of that feeling “what if...?”. “What if I had tried?” “What if I had spoken up?” “What if I had started?” “What if I had finished?” “What if I had gone?” “What if I had stayed?”

Choices and sacrifices are equally important. Establishing priorities, knowing how to recognize opportunities and limitations, and understanding that the discomfort of the unknown is liberating and rewarding brings clarity – and consequently lightness – to the decision-making process. The other day I read a quote by Geronimo Theml that has become one of my favorites: “Either you live the discomfort of seeking the life you want, or the discomfort of continuing in the life you don’t want.” It makes perfect sense!

Just like a suitcase on a trip, life asks us to carefully select what we carry. And in doing so, we learn that by letting go of what no longer serves us, we gain the chance to reconnect with what we so desire.

So perhaps the secret lies in embracing departures and longing as necessary parts of our growth. In the end, consciously making sacrifices prepares us to experience the new more fully. What do you need to leave behind today to make room for the new?